DEAR HARRIETTE: I am about to go to Copenhagen to study abroad for a year through an exchange program at my university in America. I have very strict parents back home in Congo who barely allowed me to move to America to go to college. I had been putting off telling them that I was accepted to another exchange program because I knew they wouldn’t be happy.
I decided to break the news to them today, a week before I leave, and they were livid. They don’t want me going to Copenhagen because they don’t know anyone there who can keep an eye on me and help me when I need it. My aunt and uncle live near my American university, and I often visit them and give them updates. My parents told me I should drop the program and continue to attend my college in the U.S. Unfortunately, it is way too late. Everything is already paid for. I don’t know if I should cancel my exchange program, wasting all that money, and see if I can enroll in classes at my college in America in order to avoid ruining my relationship with my parents, or if I should proceed to live the life I want to. — Be an Adult
DEAR BE AN ADULT: It is understandable that your parents are upset. You are far away, and they want to protect you. Since you have already made this decision, do as much as you can to provide your parents with comfort. Talk to the administrator at your school and find out what contacts are available in Copenhagen in case you cannot be reached. Find out what the school typically does in emergency situations; set that up for yourself and tell your parents about the protocol. If anyone at your school has personal contacts in Copenhagen, ask if they can introduce you so that you can establish a rapport and share that with your parents. Finally, set up WhatsApp and schedule weekly free calls with your parents so that they can see and hear that you are OK.
If they refuse to agree with your plan, you will have to make a decision for your own life. If you decide to go, be sure to stay in communication with them even if they do not respond at first. Send them photos, texts and emails proving your safety and well-being.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My 25-year-old twin sister and I recently moved to Dallas, where we both happened to find jobs around the same time. We decided that in order to save money, we should live together. Five months have passed with us sharing a space, and we have not set many boundaries because our relationship is so close. My sister has been using my clothes and toiletries without asking, as well as eating my food without being told she could. I have no idea how to help set these boundaries without making things awkward between my sister and me. She makes significantly less money than I do, so I feel bad saying that she can’t use my things, but I didn’t sign up to provide financially for two people. How should I approach her about setting stricter boundaries? — Drawing the Line
DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Call for a roommates meeting. Tell your sister you two need to set boundaries the way that any roommates would. Talk about everything — including wearing your clothes and eating your food. If you don’t want her to do that, ask her to stop. Her budget is not your issue. You both have to figure out how to live as adults. Start reinforcing that now.